I'm feeling it. Familiar to me like and old friend.....but NOT a freind you want to have.

Over the last few weeks I have felt the depression settle in.
I try to fight it but its like I just don't have the energy.
Its heavy, so heavy. It makes my head hard to lift from the pillow.
It makes it so I don't want to go outside. Avoiding that as much as possible.

It has been a long time since it hit me so hard. So hard the air feels thick as I try to move through it.
I suspect it has to do with loosing my job in April.
The company outsourced my position and I was the last ad designer to be let go. So, it was through no fault of my own. I knew it was coming... seeing my fellow employees get the axe one by one over the last 3 years.
At first I was accepting.... almost happy to have it finally be my turn. I was tired of working under the shadow of the axe.
The first month I slept like a rock at night. Stopped getting headaches... stopped grinding my teeth in my sleep. Clenching my jaw.
I felt reborn in a way. Like the world was mine to enjoy again. I could focus on building my clientele for my Graphic Design business. I could work from home, be close to my son when he needed me. I could get caught up on chores long since put aside because I was just way too tired at the end of the day or the work week.
And for a while it was great, I picked up a client who was giving me lots to do, but with the seasons, as happens in this area the work slowed down.
The worry start to set in.
And now the sleepless nights, the headaches and the grinding of my teeth and clenching of my jaw are back.
I feel I have no value. And in spite of knowing the reason I was let go I am now thinking the opposite. That I did something wrong. That maybe I wasn't good at my job at all.
My ads won awards so that makes no sense, but at this point in my mind I feel I failed.

I am fortunate. I know when the depression is settling in. I know when to get help. And I know that suicide only ends my life, which has so many wonderful things about it.
I know that suicide would devastate my children who I love with all of my heart.

So today, again, as I have every day these last weeks, I will take that breath and attempt to fight my way out from under that heavy blanket.