I'm feeling it. Familiar to me like and old friend.....but NOT a freind you want to have.

Over the last few weeks I have felt the depression settle in.
I try to fight it but its like I just don't have the energy.
Its heavy, so heavy. It makes my head hard to lift from the pillow.
It makes it so I don't want to go outside. Avoiding that as much as possible.

It has been a long time since it hit me so hard. So hard the air feels thick as I try to move through it.
I suspect it has to do with loosing my job in April.
The company outsourced my position and I was the last ad designer to be let go. So, it was through no fault of my own. I knew it was coming... seeing my fellow employees get the axe one by one over the last 3 years.
At first I was accepting.... almost happy to have it finally be my turn. I was tired of working under the shadow of the axe.
The first month I slept like a rock at night. Stopped getting headaches... stopped grinding my teeth in my sleep. Clenching my jaw.
I felt reborn in a way. Like the world was mine to enjoy again. I could focus on building my clientele for my Graphic Design business. I could work from home, be close to my son when he needed me. I could get caught up on chores long since put aside because I was just way too tired at the end of the day or the work week.
And for a while it was great, I picked up a client who was giving me lots to do, but with the seasons, as happens in this area the work slowed down.
The worry start to set in.
And now the sleepless nights, the headaches and the grinding of my teeth and clenching of my jaw are back.
I feel I have no value. And in spite of knowing the reason I was let go I am now thinking the opposite. That I did something wrong. That maybe I wasn't good at my job at all.
My ads won awards so that makes no sense, but at this point in my mind I feel I failed.

I am fortunate. I know when the depression is settling in. I know when to get help. And I know that suicide only ends my life, which has so many wonderful things about it.
I know that suicide would devastate my children who I love with all of my heart.

So today, again, as I have every day these last weeks, I will take that breath and attempt to fight my way out from under that heavy blanket.

Feeling Defeated

I thought about killing myself again this morning. Don't get me wrong.  I have no intention of doing so. But it crossed my mind. As it does most days lately.

Thankfully, I am very aware of the fact that I suffer from depression and when I start to think this way I know its time to fight to keep from sinking.

I have battled depression my whole life. And started with counselling at the age of 28. I am now 56.
I attempted suicide once by taking a drug cocktail. It was only when I sat down to write a note to my children that I realized the mistake I was making. It was when I put pen to paper to try and make them understand why I was doing this that I realized what it would do to them, in spite of my best efforts with words, nothing was going to take away their pain or give them back their mother. And in that instant I knew it was not what I wanted to do after all. I realized how very much I loved them and wanted to continue my life watching them grow and guiding them through life.

I know that some people suffering depression are so far gone they can't even see what they are leaving behind when they make that choice. And I know that others have far worse things weighing them down. My life compared to others is pretty darn good.
My mantra has become,

SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.
What am I up against these days?

Financial worries. BIG TIME
Yet another relationship going down the tubes. 2 failed marriages previously.
Compounded by the recent loss of my job due to outsourcing. So, financial worries just got bigger.
I have a son who also suffers from depression and extreme anxiety. ADHD, as well as other challenges I will not go into. He is a high needs child (18 years old) and I am getting very tired.
Like I said, what I am going through is NOTHING compared to other peoples challenges, but for whatever reason I feel them with a great intensity. And each little problem weighs me down.

My favorite thing to do these days is climb into bed and sleep. It has become my escape.
And it refreshes me for the next day. But some of the most simple things have become a challenge and I have to force myself to function. Some of you will know exactly what I mean....... others will not. I am starting this blog for myself. But hopefully others will find some benefit in it.
So again I give you my mantra

SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.

 I cannot take credit for writing it. but it has kept me going on more than one occasion.