I thought about killing myself again this morning. Don't get me wrong. I have no intention of doing so. But it crossed my mind. As it does most days lately.
Thankfully, I am very aware of the fact that I suffer from depression and when I start to think this way I know its time to fight to keep from sinking.
I have battled depression my whole life. And started with counselling at the age of 28. I am now 56.
I attempted suicide once by taking a drug cocktail. It was only when I sat down to write a note to my children that I realized the mistake I was making. It was when I put pen to paper to try and make them understand why I was doing this that I realized what it would do to them, in spite of my best efforts with words, nothing was going to take away their pain or give them back their mother. And in that instant I knew it was not what I wanted to do after all. I realized how very much I loved them and wanted to continue my life watching them grow and guiding them through life.
I know that some people suffering depression are so far gone they can't even see what they are leaving behind when they make that choice. And I know that others have far worse things weighing them down. My life compared to others is pretty darn good.
My mantra has become,
SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.
What am I up against these days?
Financial worries. BIG TIME
Yet another relationship going down the tubes. 2 failed marriages previously.
Compounded by the recent loss of my job due to outsourcing. So, financial worries just got bigger.
I have a son who also suffers from depression and extreme anxiety. ADHD, as well as other challenges I will not go into. He is a high needs child (18 years old) and I am getting very tired.
Like I said, what I am going through is NOTHING compared to other peoples challenges, but for whatever reason I feel them with a great intensity. And each little problem weighs me down.
My favorite thing to do these days is climb into bed and sleep. It has become my escape.
And it refreshes me for the next day. But some of the most simple things have become a challenge and I have to force myself to function. Some of you will know exactly what I mean....... others will not. I am starting this blog for myself. But hopefully others will find some benefit in it.
So again I give you my mantra
SUICIDE IS A PERMANENT SOLUTION TO A TEMPORARY PROBLEM.
I cannot take credit for writing it. but it has kept me going on more than one occasion.
